Childhood Emotional Neglect
Tiffany Ha
Counsellor & Gestalt Psychotherapist
Perth, Western Australia
Many adults with depression or anxiety are unable to pinpoint why they feel the way they do. They often say some version of "I had a pretty good childhood", yet below the surface of a seemingly 'normal', functional existence, they continue to be troubled by feelings of unhappiness, loneliness and dissatisfaction.
We tend to associate trauma with certain events: physical abuse, violence, sexual assault. But trauma can also be caused by that which did not happen. Think about the needs that were not met, the bonds that were not formed, the affection that was not freely given – these wounds are less obvious, yet no less painful. They can have a deleterious effect on a child's development, leading to impaired functioning throughout adulthood. This is what is referred to by the term Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Its insidious nature can make it hard to identify, accept and process what you are feeling.
Here are some ways CEN can show up in your life as an adult:
- Low self-esteem or low confidence
- Toxic shame: a pervasive feeling that "something is wrong with me"
- Feeling numb or empty inside
- Inability to identify and communicate needs
- Avoidance of emotions
- Feeling lonely, even in the company of others
- Difficulty making decisions
- Lacking purpose or motivation
- Unsatisfying relationships
- Perfectionism
- Seeking approval through overachieving or people-pleasing
As babies, we express ourselves freely by crying, smiling, laughing, vocalising and moving our bodies. If our parents are responsive, we learn that these expressions are effective ways of getting our needs met. But as we grow older and develop a more sophisticated understanding of language and social conventions, we may learn that it is no longer acceptable to express emotions in these ways (if at all). In early childhood, we look to our parents and caregivers to see how they are responding to situations around us – to see whether they feel what we feel. If our own internal emotional state is not mirrored, acknowledged or validated, we become confused and start to feel unsafe. When this occurs frequently, we get the message that our feelings are 'wrong'. Most survivors of CEN were never taught to trust their inner experiences.
Because CEN is a relational wound, working with an attentive and responsive psychotherapist is one of the most effective treatments. Over time, you are likely to uncover a vast underground reservoir of emotions that have been pushed down for many years – perhaps your whole life. It is common to feel some newfound anger towards your parents, as well as compassion for their limitations (many people believe their parents "did the best they could"). Once you develop a capacity to notice, name and normalise what you are experiencing, you can then start to heal from CEN by giving your inner child what they needed all those years ago.
Contact Tiffany if you would like further information, assessment or to discuss treatment options.
Tiffany Ha
Counsellor
Gestalt Psychotherapist
Phone: 0401 978 003
Email: tiffanyalisonha@gmail.com
Mount Lawley Counselling Centre
13 Alvan Street
Mt Lawley (Perth), WA 6050